the duality of life
Life is chock full of duality.
I, like many women, have spent a good portion of my life witnessing the example of the dutiful, self-sacrificing mother. You know, the one where your ambitions, needs, & desires are set to the side to be 100% supportive of others. You hold onto "selfless" or "good mom" as a badge of honour.
Ring any bells?
From generation to generation, a cultural standard has existed for women. What I saw modelled for me brought it down to these two distinct options: You can be a good mom, OR you can choose to work. If you attempt both, you are judged harshly and openly for your decisions.
I know that isn't the model I have chosen to exhibit.
Let me tell you a bit about my journey.
I didn't feel drawn to having children when I started my career. It wasn't that I didn't like kids, but I felt that there was more I needed to figure out for myself, things I needed to understand about myself before a child was a part of our life.
Ryan and I had talked about becoming a couple of DINKS (dual income, no kids), and it was a lifestyle we had researched, explored, and found ourselves. The fact that this choice went against every pressure family had put on us to follow the acceptable norm (you know -get married, have kids, buy a house, live happily ever after) didn't hurt in its appeal.
The first few years of my career were rocky. I was one of only two women (with a staff of roughly 15) that weren't in administrative positions. It was in a work environment where the "women folk" (yes, we were referred to this way several times) had a particular role. Since I was a woman, not only would I do my job, but I would also do a good portion of the administrative work in my entirely male department.
Looking back, I recognize what I was doing was emotional labour. A thought and recognition sparked - How the hell did women go home after a day like I had just had and be present with their children??
Fast forward about nine years (I'll tell you more about that chapter of life in future blog posts), and I'm on the precipice of starting my own business.
I've been at a new firm for about six years and have moved up the ranks as far as my position will allow. I've spent the last six months or so dreaming about this new business, what it can be, and the freedom it will afford me. The butterflies are real. I was excited and filled with purpose and pride in what I could accomplish. I was full on in my career and loved it. I was finally trusting my gut and leaping.
Then life took a detour, and I faced a new challenge: pregnancy and motherhood.
The duality suddenly hit me.
I had all this programming telling me there was no way I could be a good mother and businesswoman, and I had to choose.
Didn't I?
It also said that no matter my choice, I would be judged (openly or silently) for the decision.
What to do now?
Well, I rode the wave. I didn't make any firm decisions beyond what was right in front of me at the time. I was incredibly thankful for a business that could flex and support me so I could take those naps in the first and second trimesters. My company also allowed me to be at home taking the best care of myself while I had doctor appointments and had to deal with gestational diabetes.
When little H arrived, I could work around feeding and sleeping schedules at home. Ryan was working full time, but we all had a system that worked for us. It became increasingly evident to me, as I went through this experience, that there were a lot of stereotypes that women innately believe.
I've often wondered if men have felt this same pressure or if that is an assumed role for women?
Three months into this routine, life gave us the chance to change the trajectory of our lives again. My phone rang off the hook, and I had several projects waiting for a response. Ryan's job was going into a slow season, and since he was the only person eligible for EI, we decided to apply for parental leave for the next few months.
Of course, we took the road less travelled.
After EI, we decided together that Ryan would stay at home for the foreseeable future. The business was picking up, and since my base of operation was at home, I was diligent in setting my work hours and sticking to them.
I don't think either of us had expected this to continue for seven years, but it did.
I'm here to prove you can find a balance between mom and entrepreneur. It's not always easy, but it is possible.
Here are the key lessons I've learnt :
you have to decide what is right for you. Peel back the programming and expectations we've been exposed to & look at what it means to you.
life will ebb and flow. Make decisions for what is right in front of you and hold on for the ride.
prioritize what needs attention and when. It's about living in a state of flux; I believe women handle this easily.
Accept that others will judge you. It’s an opinion that doesn’t have to determine our course of action. We are still worthy women no matter what.
Until next time,
