Navigating the differences between Coach and Friend
The relationship between a coach and client can bring incredible insight and personal growth.
I have worked with excellent coaches who are masters at setting boundaries, expectations and outcomes for working together—co-creators of space beneficial to all involved.
I've also worked with coaches who have not been clear about the relationship dynamic. In those cases, that lack of clarity has caused unnecessary confusion and blurred the line where no one knew what context conversation was happening within.
There were profound lessons to learn in both of these scenarios - both a coach and a client. These experiences have influenced my perspectives and shaped how I serve clients.
Before you hire your next coach, I invite you to consider these five areas to help discover your individual needs.
Time Commitment
What level of commitment is being made?
Coaches schedule a predetermined amount of time to work with clients, and they prepare for sessions ahead of time and track progress. A coaching relationship is finite, for however long the coach and client have discussed and agreed upon before starting their work together.
On the other hand, friendships are more fluid, particularly for those of us who are entrepreneurs. Women are often the primary caregiver, and therefore, their schedule fluctuates based on family needs. The premise of friendship is that it's indefinite, and when it is healthy, you can have periods of deep connection followed by periods away and remain connected via your bond.
Confidence and Consent
Is what I'm saying held in trust?
Coaches commit to keeping the discussions they have with clients private. That means not using them as an example for illustration with other clients or acknowledging they have a professional relationship with a client without their consent. The client's struggles/wins/celebrations are shared only with permission.
Friendships will often hold each other's matters in confidence, but we may sometimes share anecdotes or stories based on our friends' lives with others. It all comes down to the intent behind the sharing; does it illustrate a point and not harm, or is it gossip about another person. If it is gossip and done with the intent to connect with others then that’s a whole other situation (watch for future blog posts on that nugget).
Skillset
Are the skillsets present addressing my needs at this time?
Coaches bring specific knowledge and capabilities to each relationship, and coaches may bring toolkits in various fields to every session. Coaches take professional responsibility seriously and continuously learn and increase their knowledge in order to grow and provide additional value to their clients lives with these new perspectives.
Friends are who we go to with more daily, family-type needs. In a friendship, we typically do not feel responsible for educating ourselves to be a teacher for each other. Yes, you will share wisdom and knowledge from time to time, but friendship is not the primary driver behind increasing your understanding. Gaining the understanding for ourselves is.
Focus
Who is the central focus of this relationship?
Coaching serves the development of the client. Coaches do not come into a working relationship expecting support from their clients, nor do they feel used if they don't get equal time to discuss issues of their own lives. Coaches are non-judgmental and remain objective.
Healthy friendships go both ways, as more of a give and take approach. Our time together encompassed what both people like, want and need from for support at that time. This is constantly in flux.
Modelled Behaviour
Are the actions I'm seeing aligning with the messages I am hearing?
Coaches are role models, especially in seeing their actions align with their publicly shared messages. Coaches are willing to be open, direct, and even vulnerable for the client's growth, and coaches commit to listening and holding space for the client.
Friendships can naturally overlap in many of these areas. Friendships can also be great sounding boards in healthy relationships, with open and vulnerable communication, but often this is done with our healing in mind.
I believe there is a place possible where coach and friend can co-exist. It takes diligence, discipline and determination to walk this dual role.
Creating a container for both relationships to exist
At the start of our time together, we have an honest and open discussion about what will best serve you. In some cases, a friend may not be what you need, but a coach is. We draw clear lines between "coaching time" and "friend time." These definitions come with clear boundaries and communications when you are in each sphere, so there is no confusion about what the focus is. For example, check-ins may say "As your coach…" or "As your friend…" so that you can know what hat to wear and what perspective I am approaching the conversation.
Focus is always on you
If we know each other on multiple levels, I will not rely on any personal back history I may possess in our coaching sessions together. When we are in the coaching sphere, I hold space, and my focus is solely on your journey of self-discovery and the topics at hand. I don't make assumptions, have judgements or allow my more profound knowledge of your life to influence the approach.
Nothing will be shared without your expressed consent
I will not share your progress or take credit for your accomplishments as a way to leverage or promote my services. I will, however, work to create a container to allow you to rise, and I will happily celebrate alongside you and encourage you to own your accomplishments. You are the one working diligently, and you so deserve your accolades.
Opportunity for consistent check-ins
It is essential to me that you receive what you need during our time together. As you do this work, I also recognize that you may find your needs shift. As a part of the coaching process, we consistently check in with where you are and how you feel and make adjustments if necessary. Making adjustments allows you to receive what you need and me to support you.
I believe that there is a richness that comes when a coaching relationship holds space for both coach and friend to co-exist, focuses on your growth, always checks for your consent and provides consistent opportunities to check-in. It's the sweet spot that I strive for with every client.
Until next time,
